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AS I SEE IT
By Rev. Jim Innes
I AM RETURNING to an article called Waiting to Exhale that I wrote and published 10 years ago to the day. It began with this story, a memory I can still see in my mind:
The other day, I noticed a young toddler strolling hands-free aside his mother down a sidewalk outside my apartment. He was wrapped cozily in a heavy, warm snowsuit. Each step is distinguished by a whoosh of his bulky leggings. His little face beamed from out under the snuggly hood.
What mostly caught my attention was the child’s undeniable pleasure, seemingly impervious to the drag of the cumbersome outfit. I was riveted by the sparkle of his playful energy, fascinated by his ecstatic buoyancy.
To quote myself, “Many of us have long forgotten how to engage life with such deep pleasure. Our hearts and minds are increasingly distracted by the natural course of pain and loss. And though most of us have developed a great resiliency to life’s bumps, we don’t breathe as deep as we did as children.”
It is challenging to recover innocence lost. When specific experiences or knowledge seep into our being, they bring about a subtle dimming of our former selves. This shift results in a sad transformation, where the joy of unreserved excitement gives way to anxious caution. Consequently, one's perspective becomes irrevocably altered.
For some individuals, these experiences can result in a protective disengagement from those around them. This can lead to a dwindling enthusiasm, replaced by a sense of apathy that obscures their once vibrant engagement with the world.
As I enter retirement, I reflect on the excitement I felt over 40 years ago as a student pursuing ordination. Over time, that initial vigour has dulled, replaced by a more measured perspective shaped by my time in ministry and the complexities of life, including relationships and personal loss.
While tempering my exuberance was essential for the well-being of those I served, I mourn the lighthearted connection I once had to my work. Though beneficial in some ways, this shift is a loss that's hard to describe.
Can we reclaim that sense of childlike energy and buoyancy? Is it possible to rekindle the innocent, playful joy we once felt despite the weight of experience and responsibility?
I propose that the answer is “no.” Arguably, the loss of innocence and the challenge of recovering it must be balanced by learning to dance in rhythm with grief. The tune could be entitled ‘Wisdom Gleaned.’
This dance is not about returning to a past state of innocent exuberance; instead, it is about acknowledging our life’s journey and, through effort, remembering the moments of joy we have experienced. While this joy may not be as unfiltered as that of our childhood, it can still be equally profound.
As I stand on the cusp of retirement, I recognize that my journey has been a complex tapestry woven with threads of lost innocence and wisdom gained. I long to recapture the genuine delight of that toddler in his snowsuit, but I understand that the journey is less about what was and more about embracing openly and wholeheartedly what is. Though childhood exuberance may not be fully recoverable, profound joy can be uncovered in the experiences and insights gained over our lifetime.
Rev. Jim Innes is the rector of St. John's, Grand Bend with St. Anne's, Port Franks.